Relationships – Wholly Marie

Relationships come in different color, shapes, understanding, and frequencies. What I have learned about relationships is this; it is not perfect nor is it the easiest thing in the world.

It requires a lot of patience, respect, love, understanding as well as faith, not to forget: hopes and the willingness to compromise. Jonathan Safran Foer once said; “you cannot protect yourself from sadness, without protecting yourself from happiness” and there is so much truth to that.

No matter what your situation may be, whom you are with, how happy you might be or how long the friendship has been, there are some common grounds/experiences we all share.

We have all gone through the point of; being disappointed, lied to, felt or still feeling taken for granted, misunderstood, cheated on or hurt in a manner that you think/thought you can/could never forgive or trust again nor opening up to any other human being; and I totally get why anyone would/should feel like that.

But, and here comes my big BUT, how much change are we willing to comply with yourself? Are you willing to fight for what you believe is yours? Is it worth fight for? And no, not everybody or every relationship is worth fight for.

The relationship (incl. friendship) issue is a very hard one to write about, and not because of the basics but more the details due to the individualities of its nature. Everyone has preferences, and yes, everyone has the so-called do’s and don’ts that they are willing to accept in a partnership/relationship/friendship.

This piece is more or less to point lights on the basics or at least what should be the basic for every human being no matter what their preference and the dynamics of a relationship is, what sexual orientation they have, what race they are as well as their believes. This piece is about the common grounds we all share, its about the hopes and dreams we all have. What we all commonly share is the desire of being loved, the desire of being acknowledged and desire of not being taken for granted.

How can that be achieved? Well, that’s where it gets a little complicated for most, because its never easy when two people that were raised differently (and yes even if you are from the same country, race and religion you are raised different; you may have similar values but never the less still absolutely different upbringing), have different interest and goals before getting connected. Here are my top five (5) tips on how this can be achieve without having the feeling you are losing yourself or given up who you are as a person. By the way, this applies to any type of relationships, not only that with a partner you are intimate with.

It requires a lot of patience, respect, love, understanding as well as faith, not to forget: hopes and the willingness to compromise. Jonathan Safran Foer ones said; “you cannot protect yourself from sadness, without protecting yourself from happiness” and there is so much truth to that.

No matter what your situation may be, whom you are with, how happy you might be or how long the friendship has been, there are some common grounds/experiences we all share.

We have all gone through the point of; being disappointed, lied too, felt or still feeling taken for granted, misunderstood, cheated on or hurt in a manner that you think/thought you can/could never forgive or trust again nor opening up to any other human being; and I totally get why anyone would/should feel like that.

The relationship (incl. friendship) issue is a very hard one to write about, and not because of the basics but more the details due to the individualities of its nature. Everyone has preferences, and yes, everyone has the so-called does and don’ts that they are willing to accept in a partnership/relationship/friendship.

How can that be achieved? Well, that’s where it gets a little complicated for most, because its never easy when two people that were raised differently (and yes even if you are from the same country, race and religion you are raised different; you may have similar values but nevertheless still absolutely different upbringing), have different interest and goals before getting connected. Here are my top five (5) tips on how this can be achieve without having the feeling you are losing yourself or given up who you are as a person. By the way, this applies to any type of relationships, not only that with a partner you are intimate with.

My top five tips are as follow:

I. Before you can enter a relationship/friendship with anyone, you need to be clear with yourself on what you are looking for in a relationship. Be clear with the impact the relationship should have on you and goals you want to achieve with the relationship, if need be make a list on what is an absolute necessity (character wise), what would be nice to have, and what you cannot live with. It is extremely important that you are honest with yourself in regards to what you want/need and be as detailed as you can. Don’t judge yourself or be ashamed…you like what you like and there is no shame to that or something you need to be ashamed of!Have an honest and open conversation with the potential partner or friend on what you like and dislike as well as what is important to you, by telling them; how you want to be communicated to and what your different communications styles mean.

II. Have an honest and open conversation with the potential partner or friend on what you like and dislike as well as what is important to you, by telling them; how you want to be communicated to and what your different communications styles mean.

Now, here comes the tricky part; you also have to listen to what the other person is saying/telling you. Pay attention on what is important to them, do not just agree with them to make them think that you are the one. Keyword here is “listening”. You can also make mental notes of what the person is saying and ask questions if you should need clarification. The most important outtake here is; get to know whom you are dating or whom you are friends with. And finding out what is important to them is a great starting point!

III. Learn the persons love language. If you have not heard of this before, here is a small insight. Dr. Gary Chapman published the so-called five (5) love languages in his 1992 book “The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” in which he explains the five different love languages, which are: words of affirmation, act of service, receiving gifts, quality time & physical touch. The hypothesis Dr. Chapman made is; everyone has a primary love language. Meaning, we all have several ways to show our love and affection but there is one that always stands out more than the others.

As I was saying, find out how your partner or friend expresses their love and affection. As for me, my primary love language is “quality time” meaning, I like to spend time with my love ones and give them my undivided attention.

If you want to know what your love language is, you can take the online quiz; there is one for singles as well as couples!

IV. Always chose your words wisely. I understand that in the course of an argument and/or state of anger, we can say things that we do not really mean. However, once those words are said and out there they can never be taken back, and that is where the problem lies. Therefore, I suggest this; do not try to argue when you are in rage, extremely anger or super upset. Whenever, you feel that way; stop yourself, leave the scene and go for a walk or to a different room, if the space is given. Do whatever is necessary not to have any exchange of words in that instant. It is not an easy task but it is doable, and believe me when I say it make a difference. Words can be very hurtful and when said very often to a person, over and over and over again, what happens is that person starts to believe them subconsciously, even if they are not true, therefore do not give your partner or friend that inaccurate imagination of themselves.

V. The little kindnesses truly matter. Therefore, do those for your partner or friend. Write them a love letter or letter of appreciation (yes, I still believe in the power of the writing word, especially in form of a letter), make them their favorite meal, take them to their favorite place, you know what they like. Do not wait for birthdays, Valentines Day or anniversaries to show your appreciation to them and what they mean to you. This will let them know they are not taken for granted!

These aforementioned five tips are my take on the whole relationship issue and what I believe can be helpful to have a good relationship or friendship. Please, note that these points are only guidelines, therefore find out what works for you and never forget to have fun in loving & caring for the people you love.

Wholly Marie

Moments